Let the anxiety commence -- How to exploit an unborn baby -- A twenty-pound basketball with legs and arms -- Dressing like a concubine in Humpty Dumpty's harem -- Labor to the tune of Janet Jackson's nipple -- You have to feed the baby-through your boobs -- Sympathy for the world -- It's all fun and games until someone pokes their eye out with a baby -- The dive that turned into a belly flop -- Your biological clock is a dumbass -- Other mothers: your harshest critics -- Trusting the wisdom of a dog -- Finally, proof that I was in the room when she was conceived -- Heather, interrupted -- Her screamness who screams a lot every day with the screaming -- If your wife is pregnant, you might want to skip this one -- My arms spread completely wide -- I never thought I would become this woman.
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